Grinding + "I have a boyfriend" + The Male Ego + Agency

I was thinking about this scene in 500 Days of Summer today and how it’s a great example of a woman exercising her agency to say no to a male’s advances. 

Last week in my Sociology of Sexuality class, we read an article called Grinding on the Dance Floor by Shelly Ronen (who is a badass because she wrote and published this study while she was an undergrad). In it she studies how gendered and sexual scripts are established and followed by males and females through sexualized dancing at college parties. Some of the things she noticed were that the women did not need an invitation to dance, and were normally the first ones out on the dance floor dancing with each other sexily for the pleasure of the men. Men then were the ones to approach the women and initiate “grinding” The woman then accepts or declines. The public sexual act ensues. What’s fascinating is that this entire exchange happens nonverbally. The guy will initiate through eye contact and body language. If a girl accepts his invitation, she begins dancing on him. If not, she will not usually explicitly say no, but will do so in a way that is least embarrassing to him and his male ego. Usually a girl will use her friends, dancing provocatively with them in order to get away from the initiator. This is what she calls “cooling off.” 

When this sexual script is translated to a private bedroom setting between a male and female, it becomes problematic. The male is scripted to be the initiator and the woman is there to be sexy and to accept and comply. What’s dangerous is in this setting she doesn’t have her friends around to save her and she was never taught to or how to say no. 

Another thing. So often when women get unwanted attention from men, they use “I have a boyfriend” as a repellent, whether or not it’s actually true. Why? Well, because it works. And because women are constantly reminded and encouraged to let men done as easily as possible, as to not damage the male ego. A couple problems with this: 1) The fact “I have a boyfriend” works almost all of the time is really sad, because it says that he respects the presence of another man over the woman’s expressed desires. There’s a good article about this here. 2) I REJECT THAT OUT OF HAND. I WILL NOT STROKE THE MALE EGO.

Which brings me to the above scene. What’s so great about this scene is that when Summer get’s hit on by this slimeball, she explicitly and simply says, “No. Thank you.” to his offer to buy her a drink. When he asks if she’s with Tom, she doesn’t respond or acknowledge it. She never claims Tom as her boyfriend. Possibly because they aren’t in an etymological sense, but also because she doesn’t want to stand behind that as an excuse. After persistent aggravation from slimeball, she says, “Hey, don’t be rude. I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. So why don’t you go over there and leave us alone. Thanks.” I get teary-eyed watching this.

I can understand now why she gets so upset with Tom for punching the guy. Because she really doesn’t need him to fight her battles. She’s got it covered.